One Year Later

Yesterday marked one year since my father gained his heavenly reward. I've spent an entire trip around the sun without him. I'm not sure how that's possible and yet, it seems like it's been an eternity. Death and time are the strangest things.

If you ask, I don't say much. The emotional current still ebbs and flows. Most days are fine, and some are less fine. I knew it would be hard though I never imagined how complex the feelings would be. 

A friend shared a poem last year called "Death Is Nothing At All" by Henry Scott-Holland:

I am I, and you are you...

The life we lived is untouched, unchanged...

Laugh as we always laughed at the things we enjoyed together...

Think of me and pray for me...

Let my name remain in the household...

Life means all that it ever meant...

I am but waiting for you...

One brief moment and all will be as it was before... 

How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again! 

What I have learned this past year, more than anything, is how grateful I am for him. He was a TOUGH COOKIE... a LOT of the time. But Lord, he loved us.

In his final weeks, he made a point of telling us he was going to die in a way that would serve as an example for us. I thought to myself, "Oh great, that won't cause years of therapy. I am somehow the cause of the worst suffering he has ever known. Fantastic!" If you knew him, subtlety was not his forte 🤣

As much as I hated his declaration, I understand it now. In the past, he pushed me away when others were dying. He said I shouldn't remember them that way, but I wasn't going to lose another second with him. I told him I wanted to be with him. I told him regardless of what he wanted that I WOULD be there. I wanted to pour every last ounce of my love into him. I don't think he liked it, but he blinked slowly and nodded his head to say, ok.

I hate to remember what he experienced those last few weeks, but I am so incredibly thankful for what he showed and taught me during those final lessons on this earth.

I think about him and pray to him often, and I miss a lot about him. Life didn't end when we lost him; it's just different. Like the poem above, I look forward to laughing at the trouble of parting when we meet again.

To celebrate him, I bought a bottle of La Crema chardonnay and a bouquet of colorful flowers. Cheers to you, Daddy, and thank you from the bottom of my heart! I am but waiting for you.